Friday, June 24, 2011

Of Alice and Alcohol

This is an excerpt from an amusing post I found on an Alice:Madness Returns forum. Originally posted by Justcallme_York.

"Please don't invite Alice to anymore parties.

Look, Louis, I like you. I really do. Now, I like seeing you around, and I hope what I'm about to say won't ruin our friendship, but your crazy girlfriend isn't allowed near any of our social events anymore. You're still cool, but Alice is out. Sorry, pal.

Last night's kegger was a disaster. We were all having a really great time up until you both arrived, which is sad for me to say. It all went to Hell the moment you put a beer in that girl's hand.

Now, I know some girls have their quirks, Hell, most of them are crazy. But Alice is legitimately psychotic.

The moment you gave her a cup of beer, she pounded the damn thing back in about half a second. Then she swiped a few more cups from some of the other guests and chugged about five more beers until she said "Finally! I feel myself getting so very small! No bigger than a mouse!" She then ran around giggling for a good five minutes, occasionally crawling under a table or chair. Eventually she ran into the kitchen where there was a poker game going on. She immediately flipped out and started screaming "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, CARD GUARDS!" and started waving a kitchen knife at everybody while screaming "GET BACK, OR I SHALL SMITE YOU WITH MY MIGHTY VORPAL BLADE! SNICKETY-SNACK!"

We tried to get her under control. At this point everybody in the house was now in the kitchen, watching your girlfriend's little episode unfold. A couple guys tried to calm her down at one point, but then she pointed a pepper shaker at them and made machine-gun noises with her mouth while grinding wasted pepper all over the floor. She then threw a full teapot at Frank's head (he's in the hopsital with a concussion and scalds all over his face). After that she somehow managed to lock herself in my pantry.

It took almost two hours for the cops and firemen to get her out.

Your girlfriend's a freak. Please don't bring her over ever again."

If you haven't heard of it yet, Alice: Madness Returns is the much anticipated sequel to the cult classic American McGee's Alice. The first game came out in 2000, and was until now a PC exclusive. As a nice little bonus, EA has included the original title as a free download available on PSN and XBL to those who buy the game new. The series is a dark twist on the world of Wonderland and Alice's involvement in it, or to be more accurate, its involvement in her. If you're looking for something removed from the slew of shooters and other generic titles, I urge you to check out Alice: Madness Returns, which is available now on Xbox 360, PS3 and PC.

Various Screen Shots


  1. That is funny. I own that game, but I'm waiting for a patch of both nForce dirvers and the game itself.

  2. Yeah, I've got it on the 360, and am playing through the original before I take on Madness returns. Tomorrow I might post the Alice Casebook that was included with the first game back in the day. It's a series of journal entries from Alice's doctor back in the asylum.